Are We Just Really Good Friends, or Are You a Stalker?

I'm trying hard not to be become a crotchety old man that bitches about everything. I guess I'm not that old -- 41 now, as of this writing (that's not terribly old is it?). But I can be crotchety. Rawr! So here I go...

I have a stalker. At first I thought it wasn't to that level. Its good having friends. I've got all types in a variety of ages, shapes, sizes, colors, etc. One is my neighbor -- a lady about my age, single, appears to be somewhat lonely who has had an unfortunate and colorful history. She takes care of my dog when I'm out of town and I'm grateful for that. But it appears that our relationship is getting...shall we say, complicated?

One of the first signs of this was several weeks ago when I got a phone call from her one morning around 9 am.

"Hey, where have you been? I drove by your house this morning at 7:45 and your car wasn't there."

"Uh.... I was at the gym."

"Oh, I need to join that gym so I can go along with you and work out. I'm so out of shape, blah blah blah...." and on goes the conversation for another 15 to 20 mins. That's the average length of our phone conversations -- 20 minutes.

I work from home. She doesn't work, so is home all day as well. When the phone calls started happening at regular intervals, every few hours, 4, 5 or 6 times a day, I finally told her that I am too busy with work and just can't take personal phone calls during the day. Most of the time, it's chatting about nothing. Small talk -- drama about her family, other neighbors, funny stories about her dog or two cats. The truth is sometimes I am too busy to take phone calls. But most of the time, I just don't want to talk with her. My energy gets drained so quickly. But I still have this nagging in the back of my mind telling me to be nice, she needs friends, she takes care of the pooch for free, deal with it! So I do.

But I'm about to crack. I realized this yesterday. Yet again, I was at the gym and missed a phone call from her where there was a voice mail message, "Hey, you're not home very much anymore. Where are you? Or are you just ignoring my calls? Give me a call." I laughed to myself, "Who? Me? Ignore your calls? NEVER!"

But I put my halo on and called. I explained to her that I was at the gym (the same convo occurred, "Oh, I need to sign up so I can go with you, I'm so out of shape blah blah). But then she asked if I could come over and help her lift some heavy things and I felt bad for being bitchy in my head.

"Sure, I can do that. No problem. Give me a couple of hours, I need to shower, get cleaned up, make lunch, etc. I'll call you in a while."

"Okay, chat later" she responded. Wow, a phone convo less than 20 mins! Things were improving.

But then.... I'm in the shower, not more than 5 mins later, and I hear the phone ringing. It was her. She leaves no message. 20 mins later as I'm cooking lunch, the phone rings again. It was her. And then it happened -- boil over! And not my lunch. I remember a string of expletives flying out of my mouth, aimed at the ringing phone. A gaggle of swear words so bad my mother's ears were most likely burning as the fumes and spittle flew. My dog even ran for cover. "Bling" my phone chimes, indicating a voice mail message. "Hey, its me. I was thinking maybe we should put off the heavy lifting since its so hot outside. Call me back." Argh! Could she not have just told me that when I called her back like I promised her I would? And at that point, it finally rang true -- I have a stalker! What else could it be? And before you speculate, let me set the record straight: she is not in love with me. She's a lesbian!

As I was formulating the impending "Come to Jesus" conversation I told myself I needed to have with her, I decided to log onto my phone account online for shits and giggles to run an activity report and see how often she really calls me. I thought maybe I was exaggerating in my mind the number of calls she makes because it does seem to drive me INSANE. But the cold hard facts told the true story. The tally at that point for the current calendar year, 2008: 215 calls. My folks were second in line with about 15.

Get thee hence, stalker!!